Thursday, July 5, 2012

Teach your kids to love themselves by your example


I've alluded to the fact that I didn't have the best self-esteem while growing up {or even lately} a couple times now. I am trying to be conscious, however, of how I often I talk about this in front of Carina. While sure, I can be honest with all of you here and never worry whether it will have consequences, it's not quite the same when you have an impressionable tiny person running around.

She has already started to pick up on things we say, repeating almost everything she can. {Note to Mike: please stop cursing, as I don't think your Mother appreciated hearing Carina saying, "oh shit!" when she fell down at your family's home last weekend.} If she were to see me looking in the mirror and complaining about the way I look, or lamenting out loud how I don't feel pretty anymore, she may begin to think that that is normal and accepted behavior. That she should look in the mirror and find fault, rather than feel good about herself.

For her sake, so as not to bruise or confuse her developing sense of self-esteem, I need to get over these issues I have with my appearance. I'm never going to look the way I did at 21 - with perfect hair and skin (and the time to keep them that way!) My mission for the immediate future: to accept myself and the way I look, and not nitpick over imperfections that probably no one other than myself even notices.

Want to join me? Pay attention to how often you pick yourself apart or self-deprecate when it comes to your appearance, or even in general. Hopefully, loving ourselves will teach our children to love themselves, in turn.


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Comments (30)

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A wonderful post and something I'm working on myself. I don't know where my extreme self consciousness came from, but I don't want Mackenzie to ever feel that way. She's already so brave and I hope that she ends up having a strong self esteem too. She hasn't started repeating us yet, but that stage is very close! I am already warning Erin of this and what he needs to watch.

Good luck!! It's comforting not being the only one working on these issues.
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Yes, I stand behind this completely. I grew up with a mom who was always fussing over her appearance, had unhealthy food relationships, and a general low self-esteem and it definitely did a number on me. I struggle with some of the same things myself, but have put in a lot of work to not let it completely define me and want to continue that work, because, like you, I don't want to pass those things on to my daughter. I'll definitely attempt to be more mindful of it and turn the negative self-talk around into saying positives about myself instead. Thank you for this reminder.
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Such a good reminder. I honestly have always struggled with my self-esteem and appearance. I was full on bulimic in high school and while I have healthier behaviors now, I don't always have healtier thoughts. Now that I have a daughter I am so much more aware of things that affect women. Being a woman, I guess these things always concerned me, but having a daughter has brought out the die-hard feminist in me. It's so hard to change certain patterns. My husband is by no means misogynistic, but I'm constantly reminding him to not call anyone a "bitch." I use(d) that word all the time but now with a daughter, I feel guilty every time. I'll kill the person who dares to ever call my daughter a bitch! But I think the hardest pattern to change is about my appearence. I want to model healthy self-esteem, and crying over the fact that 10 months later, I'm still not my pre-pregnancy size certainly isn't healthy. Thanks for putting this out there - it is so important for mothers of daughters to remember.
This is so true! I have always really respected my mom for this in particular - somehow she managed to raise 3 daughters (and one son) without any serious body issues, and I know that it has to be in part due to making conscious decisions like what you're describing. Especially since I know now, as an adult, that she has a lot of issues surrounding her own self-esteem. I worry about making sure I can do this, especially if we have a daughter. I think it's really important for moms to think about how their comments/actions towards themselves can be absorbed by little ones. Thanks for being one of those moms and reminding others of this as well!
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Such a good reminder. I'll need to be more aware of how I talk about myself as Kate gets older. Kids are very perceptive and want to be just like the important people in their lives.My sister's friend wouldn't eat when she was little (maybe 4 years old) because she imitated her mom who was anorexic.
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Marianela's avatar

Marianela · 665 weeks ago

This is a good point. I've always thought that the best way to teach children how to love and what a healthy relationship looks like, is by example, but I had never thought of other loves like the one you have for yourself. Thanks for posting this.
I grew up with psoriasis and have a permanently scarred self-image. With 3 daughters, this is something I struggle with constantly. My two oldest (ages 9 & 7) have already made a few comments about wanting to be skinny. There is already so much pressure on them to look "pretty" because of what they see on T.V. and in magazines. I am also trying to be very conscious of what I say around them and I make sure I tell them they are beautiful every day!
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Such a great point! I never take time to think about the consequences putting myself down in front of my son will have. Thanks for the reminder!
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Such a good though! The little ones pick up on everything and learn from us. It's amazing how they make me become a better person everyday (or at least try to be)
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I think as a girl mom, this is a really big deal! I want my daughter to be confident but I don't want her to end up a cocky jerk. I'm working hard on finding the middle ground.
I had a similar realization the other day as I was putting on make up and Peanut took my brush and was playfully "putting on" her own make up. I looked at her and it suddenly hit me - I'm teaching a 1.5 year old that she needs to cover up who she is. I kid you not, I'm now wearing significantly less make up.

I think it's so important to teach everyone, but especially little girls, that they are beautiful, inside and out. That picking things apart just lowers your self esteem and self worth. That little faults make us beautiful and unique.

I hope that P learns that...and not that she needs to hide her imperfections.
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I'm bookmarking this post for future reading [again} Now that we will have a little girl in October, it will be important for me to remember this. Even with having a son now, it's still important. Thanks Mama G ;)
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This is a great message. I think a lot of people don't realize just how much little ones pick up on, so it's important to set a good example.
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Great message! My 10 year old Dom just said "oh wow, they have a really cute kid!" as he was looking at the pics. :) And I agree
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1 reply · active 665 weeks ago
I am SUPER guilty of this. I am far too hard on myself in almost every way possible. Consciously, I know this. But subconsciously, I just can't stop. It's definitely not easy, but you're right to set the best example for the little ones we've got to get past our insecurities. For what it's worth, you look absolutely beautiful in these photos!
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1 reply · active 664 weeks ago
Jamie Budak's avatar

Jamie Budak · 664 weeks ago

As silly as it sounds, try giving that mean little voice that says all the negative things its own name. Mine was Nicole, after the mean girl who picked on me in elementary school. Then when you hear yourself saying or thinking something negative snit yourself, tell it to SHUT UP. Like, aloud. You'll learn to separate the negative mindset from who you really are. You feel like a crazy person, but it works in a matter of weeks. :D
This is so true. I never realized how much children learn by example... My daughter imitates every little thing my husband and I do. Down to the way I growl when frustrated... Wow, it was embarrassing to realize I sound like that lol! And I had a huge mommy fail when I was complaining about how fat I've become during this pregnancy... Later, my daughter said she was too fat. I wanted to cry!
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I'm so afraid of this! Thanks for addressing this, I so hope my daughter doesn't carry the same self-esteem issues I do!
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What a great message! Children learn by example and I quickly realized when I became a mom, how they pick up the little stuff.
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I agree so much! I'm working on a series called (in my head) "Building a better daughter". And that's one of the topics I want to tackle, about how we present ourselves in front of our daughters being how they learn to see themselves. I have to actively censor myself when she's around because self-deprecating is my defense mechanism. (If someone says I look nice, I respond with, OH NO, I look terrible, my hair is all flat and my butt looks HUGE in these pants) IT MUST STOP! :)

Good Post, and hopefully it gives women a lot to think about!
Tara
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1 reply · active 665 weeks ago
Oh I'm the same way! It's definitely a defense mechanism. I've noticed I do it with my cooking, too ;)
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Such a good reminder to us all! That's for sharing - even without a kid, I'm still my own worst enemy :)
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I understand where you are coming from, but I am curious. Was your mom self conscious about how she looked? Do you think your low self esteem had anything to do with her? If not, maybe you are working yourself up for nothing.
1 reply · active 665 weeks ago
To a degree - yes, she was. While I don't think my self-esteem issues stemmed from her behavior, seeing her nitpick certainly didn't help it.
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such a good message. ive been reminding myself not to say things like "mommy's so fat, starvation time!" out loud. especially since i know im not actually fat and that I won't actually starve myself. like ever.
i fear my karina will have the opposite problem as im rather conceited and often take us to the mirror and say "look at the 2 pretty girls, pretty mama, pretty baby, pucker up make a duck face!" etc. or just random catch a glance of myself and say "damn, i still got it" it needs to stop because i want karina to think being smart is better than being pretty.
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Jamie Budak's avatar

Jamie Budak · 664 weeks ago

Would you tell your best friend she's too fat or frumpy, too ugly, not smart enough, too lazy, or not good enough? No, you would not. Be your own best friend. <3

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